at a bit of a loss

India is great and all, and the vacation to Kerala was amazing, but I can't help but feel at a bit of a loose end. I've already spent a month here and I feel like I haven't done anything substantial for myself. I'm not not friends with anyone here but I also always feel like I'm tagging along rather than being involved with any activities, which just makes me profoundly tired and even less involved. I just wish that I didn't have to work so hard at being around people here, you know? I can't imagine how isolated I'd feel if I did the homestay. I feel alone enough living with 13 other people, who either seem to be happy being alone or have already split into small groups. I don't know.

This weekend I'm hoping to take the train to Varanasi, one of the holiest cities in India, that I've been wanting to go to since before I came here. Hoping also that I can find someone to go with; I don't feel comfortable traveling alone. I don't know, social anxieties just make it so hard to enjoy myself here, and being aware of that and my fleeting time I get even more anxious and worried that I'm not getting the most out of this experience. I'm lucky to be here, I know. I just wish that I felt like that all the time.

It was lovely being in Kerala for its different atmosphere, but in a way it makes coming back to Delhi that much harder. In Kochi there weren't children begging or salespeople that wouldn't leave me alone after I told them 'no' or so many sad stray dogs. There were goats wandering around instead, which was good because they eat a lot of the garbage, and cats. Kochi's probably not going to be like that forever though. It's developing pretty fast, the land is running out, and no one wants to do agriculture anymore, leaving it to migrants from other regions. I think it'll become more like Delhi soon. I feel like Delhi is somehow an inevitability for any developing nation.

It's easy to despair here. There's a lot of hope, yes, and a lot of really smart people working towards better things. But change is slow and there are just so many people here, so many, and I feel like I'm just taking up space and using up resources because I don't know what the best thing to do is or how to do it. Classes here put me into a bit of an emotional yo-yo -- studies in literature are sometimes uplifting by the simple fact that people can write and think such things and that they are out there to be shared, but economics so far is pretty damn depressing and history isn't always much better.

I don't know. Maybe all of this is just part of the funk I'm in right now. Coming back from vacations is always depressing, and realizing that I don't have a whole lot of time left just puts the pressure on. Will probably do more reading for class and then maybe some yoga.

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Listening to: This Will Destroy You - Leather Wings
via FoxyTunes

large update!

So it's been a while.

First, two weekends ago I went to visit some friends of my parents from back when my dad went to Harvard. Here's a picture of them with their dog, Fidel. Their home is lovely and they fed me an enormous amount of food.

Second, for my class on the history of Delhi, I went to see the Qutb Minar! It's a pretty amazing structure in the southern area of Delhi and was built by the first Islamic rulers there. There's a mosque attached to it as well as the famous Iron Pillar, the remains of a university, and the foundation of the Alai Minar, which was a failed attempt by an unpopular king to one-up to Qutb Minar. Pictures are up at the other site.

A few interesting things though:
The mosque in the Qutb complex was one of the first Islamic buildings in the area; previously Hinduism had been the main religion. As such, the mosque has many decidedly un-Islamic characteristics. Almost all of the builders were used to building Hindu temples, which are more based on the square and a series of beams, so many of the arches and domes in the mosque that are characteristic of Islamic architecture are lopsided since the builders didn't know what they were doing. Also, despite the taboo against any images of people or animals in a mosque, this one is full of them. A lot of this is due to the fact that many Hindu temples were dismantled easily and the materials used in them, including already carved pieces of stone, were simply reused. This is something that happens a lot in the history of Delhi; Hindu architects rarely used any type of mortar (which speaks a lot to their skills), and as such whenever the establishment changed and something new had to be built the temples were taken apart to be used in something else.

The Iron Pillar, which is made of 98% pure wrought iron from back in the 4th century AD (over a thousand years before metallurgists in Europe figured out how to cast such pure iron) is only now beginning to rust. It is much older than the Qutb complex and the mosque it stands in was actually built around it; however, according to the inscription on it the Iron Pillar originally stood in a village about 50 km away. It's very strange.

That's not all though! Last night I cam back from having spent 5 days in Kerala in South India. We spent two days in Kochi, the capital of the region, and then the rest in Alleppey, which is near the backwater region. Kerala is dramatically different from most other parts of India, especially Delhi: it has a long international history, having traded with the Arabs for centuries before the Muslim invasion and also being occupied by the Portuguese (led by Vasco da Gama) and the Dutch. Currently it is unusually in having a democratically elected communist government, the highest literacy rate in India, some of the best economic growth in South Asia, and a huge emphasis on gender equality. It's much different from Delhi in other respects too. Tourists are typical there, going to the beautiful beaches, the backwater, and the old churches, and as such they're welcomed. People actually SMILED at me! Strangers! Delhi is a fascinating city but it is not a friendly one, so being in a warmer environment - both socially and climate-wise - was really nice. We stayed at a lovely resort in Alleppey and I got my first professional massage, which was at first a little weird with being handled completely naked by a stranger, but in the end really cool.

There's so much more to talk about, but for now I need to catch up on reading for classes tomorrow. I'll post again with more personal impressions rather than a hurried summary of everything I've been doing.

another brief update

Hello all! Sorry for the long silence - the past week has been full of classes sort of starting and I managed to get sick again. Next weekend I'll be sure to update with my adventures at the Qutb Minar and the Lal Kot (pictures are up!), but I'll probably be going to bed pretty soon here. The reason why? I'm flying to Kerala tomorrow! So the next update will be full of all of my experiences there as well. Pictures too; I'm realizing now though that I need a larger memory card for my camera, so I'll be on the lookout for that. I won't have computer access while I'm gone until Saturday. Anyway, I need to finish packing.

Mom, I'll try to call home sometime this week.

(meep)